My family and friends have been doing something for awhile that is really starting to bother me, and to be honest hurt my feelings. Most of the people I know that are my age or close to my age have children. Of course I think this is wonderful, but both of my friends and family have started to treat me as though I am selfish or not really an adult because I do not have children. As I have said my husband and I are trying, but it is taking a long time. Surprisingly as much as I mention that in this blog I do not often talk about it with my friends or family. That excludes my mother I do tell her how I am feeling, and her and my father are not the ones who are making me feel this way.
I am sure that nobody intends for this to happen, but they say things all the time that make me feel as if I am a bad person for not having children. When I talk about reading or sewing or a trip that my husband and I took they will make comments to the effect of I wish I had time and money for that stuff. Then I start to feel bad that I do have time to read and sew, but what am I supposed to do?
Mostly I get hurt when they treat me like I am less of an adult. I have been on my own for over a decade. I own a house and of course pay all of the bills and do all of the maintance that goes along with that. While I am not as good of a cook as my husband, I cook our meals most everynight. While my husband does make the money I am the one who takes care of paying the bills. I of course clean and do laundry and yard work etc.
Now do not get me wrong. I fully realize that there are a whole new set of responsibilities that come along with parenthood. However, it does hurt when these people act as if I am selfish and they are not. I know they don't realize it, but they are hurting me. I can not make myself get pregnant. Its not my fault that it is not easy for me. While I do refuse to let myself be unhappy just because I have yet to have a baby it does bother me. I want it, but am not willing to spend thousands of dollars to get pregnant. My husband and I will most likely adopt, but until we get to a more permanent duty station we can't consider it, because the court would not let us adopt while we are in so much transition.
Like I said, I am feel like the people who do this have no intention of making me feel bad. They probably have no idea that they have, but I just really had to get it off my chest.
The most painful comment I had when I wanted to be pregnant, was when a friend of mine had just had her first baby and she got pregnant four months after she got married and I was married nearly three years at that point. She said, "I always thought you'd have kids before me." .. . you just don't say that to people who have told you in the past that they wanted kids and you see that they've been married for a while. Thankfully I was already pregnant when she told me that but only about two weeks in.
ReplyDeleteDon't let people pressure you about it. The more you take your time, the better. If people try to stress you out, it is harder to become pregnant. I have had a few friends who have been trying for a long time. Instead of telling them, "when are you going to have kids?!?!?" I just encourage them and love them. The hardest thing lately is one of my close friends who is single and wants to marry and have kids and hasn't any boyfriend material near to her even. . .She was hoping she'd be married at this point in time so I feel like I can't relate in that way so I encourage her to just do what she does and concentrate on her other goals because when you don't focus much. . it happens. Hopefully that can happen for you.
my question to you. . .have you ever been on the pill? I do know of people who may have been on it for a few years have a difficult time getting pregnant.
Things that I had considered when I started trying to get pregnant:
Do you have a basal thermometer? It helped me so much with knowing my ovulation schedule. Also having sex only once a day to every other day only can increase your chances because doing it too much actually sends lots of "current changes" for sperm. putting a pillow under your legs and laying afterwards is helpful to increase chances. Also try to get an orgasm at the same time as your husband.
yeah, I got you on being 12 with the pill. my cousin's wife was on the pill from age 14 for the same reasons and because her mom was crazy and made her. They have been together since they were probably 15 and are now 30 and she was off the pill for about 3 years before she got pregnant (they've been married for 6 years) and it was really tough on them for a while and they had gone to loads of specialists and even had done the intravenous stuff. She got pregnant naturally though when they stopped stressing and trying so hard. I remember in May or so my Uncle told someone flat out when he was asked, "when are you going to be a grandpa?" and he said, "well my daughter is due in September and my son. . .well they can't have kids".They were about 20 feet away and I thought that was so rude and my cousin's wife had told me her struggle with it (she'd tell me whenever she thought she was pregnant and asked me to pray for her). I think she is due in a couple months now.
ReplyDeleteThanks for what you said about being 25 when you met your hubby. My friend is 25. She's had boyfriends before but they were all so wrong for her. She's been without a boyfriend for over a year so now she's been down on that issue and tries to not think about it. She however took my advice. . she's pursuing her other goals and hopefully in doing that God will bless her with her desires for a future husband.
Hi Rachel, I'm not trying to get pregnant having only just gotten married, but I have a few friends who had problems with it too. One couple had been trying for oover a year and before they went down the IVF route they tried Chinese natural medicine and 2 months later they were pregnant. I think it was a mixture of herbs/acupuncture and massage.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if you have started looking at alternative methods, but they seemed to work for this couple. Maybe look into it and see if there is anything around your area.
Good luck :) I'm sure it will happen for you!
XX
Jen